TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, certain, let us have Yet another place exactly where American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Every person a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It Trump Tower Damascus isn't that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting focus from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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